Hoping for Tank Tops

For those who were not "fortunate" to grow up around Pittsburgh, PA, here is a brief dictionary.

*Yinz: You'ens: You (plural)

*Jag Off: Jerk

*Pervs: Perverts





My mom needed two more days of decent tips to earn the rest of the money for a new air conditioner, so my brother Jimmy and me sweated on the fire escape, eating popsicles and trying to look down girls’ shirts.

Have yinz ever been in Pittsburgh in the summer? We’re in the north, so yinz wouldn’t think it would be so hot, right? Nah. Cities that’re mostly about winter are built for winter, all about keeping in the heat. They don’t know how to handle summer, so it gets boiling, especially in cheap places like ours. My nana gives us dirty looks when we’ve got the AC running—she thinks it’s a luxury—but I’ve seen her “fall asleep” in front of it when her arm gets tired from waving a fan around.

“Gina Pulaski let me look under her shirt yesterday,” Jimmy announced, a trail of melted red popsicle sliding down his hand. “At her bra.”

I bit off a hunk of mine and chewed it, wincing at the rush of cold against my teeth. “Liar.”

“Did so! It was white and there was a little flower in the middle of it.” He leaned his face through the bars and spits into the street below. “I think she’s my girlfriend now.”

“Oh, yeah?” I watched a girl approach the end of our street, feeling hopeful, but she turned at the last second. “Did she make ya’ pay to look?”

Jimmy gnawed his stick. “Well, yeah, but it was only a dollar.”

“Then she ain’t really your girlfriend.” Finishing my popsicle, I went back inside for another. “You’re just a sucker.”

My brother followed me and grabbed my arm, giving me an Indian burn. “Shut up. Take it back!”

I tried to keep from yelling, but Jimmy’s really good at twisting the skin, and he got three inches on me this year. “Alright, alright, Gina Pulaski’s your girlfriend, lemme go!” I rubbed my arm and glared at him. “Jagoff.”

“S’what you get for saying stuff like that.”

We grabbed our cherry ices and sat back on the fire escape.

“There’s one, there’s one!” Jimmy jabbed me in the side with his elbow and pointed downward.

A blonde girl—she looked really mature, like in high school—walked underneath us. She had a short skirt and a really low shirt. Jimmy and me watched as she bounced down the street. We couldn’t see her face, but that didn’t really matter. The only bad part was knowing how short our alley was.

Then we grinned as she pulled out her phone, stopping right under our dangling feet. She tossed her hair and stamped her feet. We could hear her yelling even from 30 feet up. “Ferrills, Chuckie, if yinz don’t getcher ass out here right now, umina make yinz wish yinz was never born! How’s come yinz gotta be such a freakin’ JAG-OFF all da time? Ar relationship’s gonna be over if yinz don’t stop bein’ such a greazy, ig’nernt creep!”z** Her shirt got even more open as she got angrier.

Jimmy looked over at me and broke a piece off his popsicle. He held it over the edge of the railing. “Betcha I can get it down her shirt.”

“No way! You ain’t got the guts.”

He smiled real big and let go.

I watched as the little red piece of ice zoomed, with perfect flight, to the promised target.

She screeched at the impact and whirled around, looking up and spotting us right away. “Yinz little pervs! Yinz need beat up!” Digging the popsicle out of her shirt, she flipped us off and ran under the fire escape to stand by the door so we couldn’t see her anymore.

Jimmy was laughing even as he hurried inside to hide from her. “Totally worth it.”

I would have agreed, except our nana saw the whole thing and told Mom. Two weeks of being grounded inside in the heat, without even a tank top to give us something to do.

And whatever Jimmy said, Gina Pulaski never came to see him, so she wasn’t his girlfriend.

**
Dialogue Translation: “Ferrills, Chuckie, if yinz don’t getcher ass out here right now, umina make yinz wish yinz was never born! How’s come yinz gotta be such a freakin’ JAG-OFF all da time? Ar relationship’s gonna be over if yinz don’t stop bein’ such a greazy, ig’nernt creep!”

means

"For real, Chuckie, if you don't get your ass out here right now, I'm going to make you wish you were never born! Why do you have to be such a JERK all the time? Our relationship's going to be over if you don't stop being a greasy, ignorent jerk!"

and “Yinz little pervs! Yinz need beat up!"

means

"You little perverts! You need to be beaten up!"

I hope this clears things up.