Worse Than a Monkey's Uncle!

WORSE THAN A MONKEY’S UNCLE!,
or,
THE TRUE PERNICIOUS NATURE OF THE LATEST NOTION PUT FORTH BY MR. CHARLES DARWIN:
HOW IT IS DESTROYING OUR GREAT NATION AND BRINGING ON THE END OF DAYS

Faithful Reader, it is our Duty as a Newspaper to bring you all of the News which is occurring in our Great Nation, in order to truly demonstrate and elucidate all of those Events which happen each day. This is our Duty, and we are Proud and Humble to do so. However, it does so happen that there is some information that is horrible, so barbaric, so utterly Disturbing and Upsetting that we are distraught that we must place it into the Hallows of our Newspaper. We are Sworn to be Wholly and Utterly Truthful, however, and thus we do Shake our Heads at the State of Society Today. May we therefore take this Opportunity to warn our gentler Readers of the truly Disturbing nature of the following News, and to suggest they avert their Delicate Eyes from the material.

In previous Editions, we have been Shocked and Dismayed to represent to you the Blasphemous Theories of Mr. Darwin in his book The Descent of Man, which state that Man is descended from Ape! He is of the Evil Notion that, rather than being created in Full Form as God Intended and, Indeed, Did Create, we are merely the product of so-called Natural Selection, such that we are but an Accident of forces in a past of ludicrous proportions!

Of course, Faithful Reader, we have dedicated ourselves to Repudiating and Repulsing this foolish and unhealthy penny dreadful, but unfortunately there are always the Weak and Immoral who are Mislead by such Nonsense, and it is one of these Poor Sinners whom we reference today in this article, for it is by Them that an occurrence so Unfathomable, so Unholy, so Calumnious, and so very much Without Precedent so as to require a special meeting of Our Church has come to our attention.

For upon reading the Profane and Irreverent words of Mr. Darwin, one Aloysius P. Sallmen, a Eccentric Gentleman who has been known in the past to have been Unduly Influenced by Pamphlets and other Pernicious Pieces of Unsubstantiated Information, has announced that he will be entering into the Sacred Institution of Marriage with a Common Ape named Bernice, brought back from his travels in Foreign Lands! For he declares that if he is Descended from an Ape, then this Female is therefore nothing more than a Distant Cousin to himself, Mr. Sallmen, and that this Relationship is well outside the Laws of the Realm which Govern Familial Relationship, and also is not in Violation of those Laws which Govern Relationship between Man and Animal, for Mr. Darwin has declared Man to be Nothing More than Animal! He apparently has no Concern for the Rules of the Lord and His Kingdom!

We have received a letter from the Very Man Himself, in His Own Words, and this is what he tells us of his Sacrilegious Actions.

To Whom It May Concern at the London Monitor

Who are you to judge the actions of your fellow Man? Thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged himself, sayeth the Lord, and doth he not also say to Love Thy Neighbor as of Himself, and thus you see that my adoration of my Beloved Bernice is not an Unholy Aberration, as you have so cruelly stated in your newspaper. For as the Learned Mr. Darwin has stated, We, that is, Mankind, is a Sweet and Loving Neighbor to the Great Ape by Virtue not only by sharing this Vast Globe which the Lord has so Cunningly Created for us, but also by Virtue of a Familial Relationship as well.

I invite you, Gentlemen, to therefore visit me in my countryside estate and to see the Sweet and Doting face of my Dearest Bernice. For Who, after gazing upon the Loving and Liquid Eyes, so full of Wonder, could doubt or judge my Love for Her Whom I Love Best?

There, Gentle Reader, you read the ravings of a Mad Man who is Destined for Both Hell and the Sanatorium! But you should pity him, for it is the rantings and ravings of Mr. Charles Darwin who are bringing him to this sorry state! It is this so-called Scientist who is working his Vicious Lies into our Society and Will, we are Certain, be the Downfall of Us All.